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mediaevalmaiden

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(no subject) [Jul. 28th, 2007|11:40 pm]
mediaevalmaiden
Fabian called. My mom talked to him and he wants me to call him. I'm excited but scared..
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(no subject) [Jul. 6th, 2007|11:57 pm]
mediaevalmaiden
I went to Stacy's the other day for the 4th of July. I had a really good time despite my doubts. The food was delicious. The company was funny. Singing and playing alternative guitar hits was enlightening. Watching a bullshit firework show gave me a reason to complain about one thing. Driving home in an abundance of traffic while listening to non-stop good ass music was the best. Such a simple day...and yet one of the best. I'm over-estimating the possibility of gaining a little bit of joy in my life. I want too big. They don't lie when they say it's the little things that count. I hate how I consistently break down and seemingly exaggerate what little I have to be unhappy about. I don't want to be comfortable in this state but I do want to be content in my own skin. Something I've never really felt. I love my friends. I know they love me. We have different lives but our minds run back to eachother in the end. I guess in a sense I'm more attached because these are the only people who really know me. I'm over this emotional appifiny (sp?) Now to apply it...
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(no subject) [Jul. 2nd, 2007|03:34 pm]
mediaevalmaiden
I know it's been a while since I last posted but I have so much shit running through my head, I feel like I have no other outlet. Let it be said, I am more unhappy than anytime I can recall throughout my life. Why? I know to an extent and the rest I'm kind of confused about. First off, I feel like the friends I thought were genuine aren't anything but phonies. The one person I don't get this vibe from is Syl. I don't know, maybe it's because she's the only one who seems to want to hang out with me. I feel like I've sunk so much since I first got home. I don't know whether it's the lack of medication/ recreational drugs or just the lack of friendships and love. I don't think many people give me a chance. They see this shy girl who they assume is stuck up, ditzy, and kind of stupid. I get extremely nervous around people and do and say dumb things. That's always going to be a part of me as far as I'm concerned. I just wish everyone would stop judging me and accept the real me for once. I feel like I'm better off keeping my mouth closed. I think even some of my closest friends don't want to talk to me. Who knows. Am I boring? Annoying? Second, I feel that the very creative spirit that helped shaped the ideals I carry now, no longer lingers in me. I feel like my spirit is dead and all I have is a body to assist me in making it through the day to day. I'm like a zombie, just wandering about and trying to find someone or something to soothe my hunger. But what is it worth? I will never be satisfied. I'll just keep taking and adding to the filth I'm against. I think the main thing that keeps me going is my brother. I love him too much to just leave him here alone. I wouldn't want to cause him anymore pain than what he's already experienced. I guess I just miss the old days when waking up didn't seem so strenuous and living didn't seem so overrated. I've always been a loner, I guess one year made it seem like that was a falsehood. But it's who I am. I'm better off keeping to myself and reading books all day. Friendships shouldn't define my happiness but I'm only human and humans are naturally social beings. Just look at the way it affects me to not to have healthy and fun relationships. I just wish someone could sit down and talk to me and relate to me for once. It seems like no one really knows what I'm going through. They can claim so but then they exemplify otherwise. The one person outside my brother who understood that was Fabian and I let him go. Now I have to sit here with regret and watch as he progresses with his new life with his new girlfriend and alleged fiance. It drives me crazy but I only have myself to blame. I had someone who loved me more than life itself and I threw him away for a stupid drug induced fling. I'm an idiot and I'm sure he knows it and is laughing. I'm pretty sure that's what I want too. I want love. But I end up screwing up all the relationships I have because I'm stuck on one guy who is completely unattainable. I'm done for the day, this journal is forever filled with complaints! Now I'm going to get ready to drown my sorrows tonight in a bottle of vodka and midori....
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This is dedicated to.... [Feb. 11th, 2007|08:27 pm]
mediaevalmaiden
A man over blood
What a fucked up reality
Grow up and think for yourself
He’s there now but that won’t last
He’ll hit you again and find a new BITCH
You betray and deceive those that love you
Your selfishness sickens me
So stand alone and see what it’s really like not to have any friends
Everyone’s fed up with him
Its only a matter of time before their fed up with you
Go chase your high and pray for relief
Fucking junkie
Stop acting like your life is so hard
Get off your ass and be a real woman
I’m over the fact that you have no respect for anything
And in turn I’ve lost all respect for you
Don’t run to me when shit gets tough
You chose to push me away
And away I will stay
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(no subject) [Dec. 22nd, 2006|09:47 pm]
mediaevalmaiden
It feels wierd being a high school graduate. It seems so surreal. I havn't got to party out yet..so I'm waiting with anticipation! Not that it's really all that appealing anymore... Lately I don't understand what I saw in all that stuff. Yes, I had fun but now it's just burden to my schedule. Maybe that's why I feel so boring...I mean that's all my days consisted of. I felt like myself when I was on everything, now I'm just an aggitated, tired, and angry girl. Don't get me wrong, I'm beginning to get more confortable with those feelings considering I rarely showed them to anyone outside my family and that's an improvement from the shy, isolated, push-over Serena, but I don't want to be percieved as a bitch!

So yeah, Christmas is in a couple of days...I spent all my money on gifts and have a whopping 17 bucks to my gas and food till Wednesday! It's exciting yes! I'm going to Pima in January. I made my plan of study and I'm actually looking foward to the experience. Psychology sounds good for now, but we'll see if that changes anytime soon. I don't know what to write in here haha. flkdjfjdflkjdakjsda caca jfdkfjafjkdjfkldj fuck you falkjdfldjfajfdlfj lick nuts lajdjfkldjfklajfdj blah!
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(no subject) [Oct. 10th, 2006|07:08 pm]
mediaevalmaiden
Wow, birth is amazing! I mean I really hate kids, but Sunday was so surreal. Christina had her baby. His name is Jesus, he weighed in at 8 pounds and 9 ounces. It was so wierd just imagining that that is what can be produced from almost any womans body. Now I'm really excited for Sai to give birth! She's due in December. She wants me right up in the action...I'm a little hesitant for that but we'll see what happens.

Next weekend is Robert's birthday! He's supposed to have a huge party, so of course I'm looking foward to it. Michael and Octavio are supposed to be there too...I miss hanging out with all those guys. I havn't been drinking lately so hopefully I don't get fucked up too quickly.

Work is okay. Same shit day to day. I'm a little sad because Summer put in her two weeks notice...she's practically the only person I can honestly say I like there. Oh well I'll get over it.

Besides that, I'm destined to graduate in December. I have five more credits that I have to earn and I'll be finished. I'm nervous...probably because I'll be starting something new.

I miss a lot of people lately. I'm pretty much stuck in the past and can't get over the fact that everyone else has moved on. Josh is doing his thing with his bands...probably doesn't know I'm alive, Syl is working hard to graduate (that and she's always with Julio lol), and Cynthia...well I never see her. I've got it made up in my head that she hates me or something. I don't know...I come up with the wierdest ideas sometimes. Then it gets me more depressed because I'm terrible at making friends. I hate talking and it takes me a long time to get comfortable with someone. Sometimes I just feel like a pariah because I'm so shy. Lately I feel lazy...too lazy to do much of anything, even take the time to think (at least at times). I can't tell if it's from being around people who don't really require me to think or the fact that I just don't care anymore. I wish I could just sleep and never wake up sometimes.

Aside from that, I've been debating my relationship with Aulee. I liked him for the longest time but now I don't feel the slightest bit of attraction to him, I only see him as a good friend. I don't know what happened. Then Fabian's mom was talking to my mom telling her how I broke his heart and all he wants to do is call me. She said I should call him, but I don't know what to say. I don't want to make it seem that I only called because I was told to. Truth be told, I've been wanting to call him and try and recover what we lost. But I know I can't because I'm still with Aulee and that's just wrong. That, plus I've heard that he's been talking to other girls and stuff of the sort and it basically discourages me. I seriously need to gain some self-esteem. I do think that I am going to try and get back with him. He's the first guy I loved and I don't think I want to love anyone else.

Lol I'm never going to be able to stop complaining....
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(no subject) [Sep. 20th, 2006|07:40 am]
mediaevalmaiden
[mood |annoyedannoyed]

I'm so pissed with my mom right now. I'm so fucking sick of all the stupid shit she does. We don't have money to pay off neccessities because her ass ends up spending it all on casinos and bullshit that we don't need. She buys new clothes every week! I mean I don't even remember the last time I bought new clothes. I have pants from when I first got home...now that's bullshit. She's relying soley on my dad's check...the bullshit check that never comes in because he's a fucking low life. I'm so sick of it. I got a job to help her out and it's still not enough. She needs to learn how to budget.
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(no subject) [Jul. 22nd, 2006|02:02 am]
mediaevalmaiden
Wow, I didn't realize I was away from livejournal for so long. I've become a Myspace junkie..and I have betrayed you oh precious journal. Anyway, looks like I'm going on vacation. Melissa said she wants to try and go to Disneyland in the beginning of August which I'm looking foward to! Lately I'm up to the same old stuff; working and being a fatass. Work has been fun these past couple of days. I finally feel like I have a place there. I guess you can say much hasn't changed because I'm still the Serena who wants people to love her and wants to make everyone happy. I'm still with Aulee. Things are getting fairly serious and emotional...but I won't lie, I havn't had this much sex ever lol. So I'm just a happy, wierd, old navy kid.

Robert's still mad at me for the most obsurd reason known to man. So no band practice...and no ciggarettes :( I could apologize and patch things up but I'm going to be stubborn and not do that.

Speaking of patching things up, Sai and I had a blowout. That crazy woman punched me in the face last month! If she wasn't pregnant I would have hit her back. You just don't escape drama around here. We're still not talking. Everything went to shit between us after that. Everyone's expecting me to go and run back to her but that's not how it's going to be this time. I'm tired of being taken advantage of and coming to people when they should be coming to me. It's not my fucking fault she got knocked up and can't party-hardy. TOUGH SHIT. But we'll see if anything changes when it comes time for the baby to be born. Right now I say I don't want to be there when she has it (because that was the original plan) but I don't know how I'll feel when the time comes, taking into consideration that she might want me there. But honestly, I feel like shit not having my best friend around. I miss her, sad to say.

Other than that my life is just dandy. School starts soon...so I'll be preoccupied a little more. I'm looking foward to graduating and going to Pima full-time. I think I'm really falling for Aulee.
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(no subject) [Jun. 16th, 2006|08:02 am]
mediaevalmaiden
My dog died last night. I'm pretty sad about it. We had him for about 8 years. It feels so wierd not having him around; I woke up and I couldn't believe that he was actually dead. I feel bad though, we had to dump him in the desert. We're going to try and go back and bury him. Fucking Pongo.

Today's finals as well. Chris brought me a little something something....shhh VODKA! I've never had it with lemonade...it tastes really good. I have to go to work later, but I think my buzz should go down by then.

My eye is still being evil.
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(no subject) [Jun. 12th, 2006|10:45 am]
mediaevalmaiden
I broke up with Fabian. I'm with Aulee. I'm attending the last week of school. I have pink eye. I'm a liar. I'm decietful. I'm craving. I'm angry because I have pink eye. I've realized how wrapped up in vanity I've become. I want to wear makeup. I saw Josh. My lips are chapped.

Thank you for reading.
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