||[Jul. 2nd, 2007|03:34 pm]
I know it's been a while since I last posted but I have so much shit running through my head, I feel like I have no other outlet. Let it be said, I am more unhappy than anytime I can recall throughout my life. Why? I know to an extent and the rest I'm kind of confused about. First off, I feel like the friends I thought were genuine aren't anything but phonies. The one person I don't get this vibe from is Syl. I don't know, maybe it's because she's the only one who seems to want to hang out with me. I feel like I've sunk so much since I first got home. I don't know whether it's the lack of medication/ recreational drugs or just the lack of friendships and love. I don't think many people give me a chance. They see this shy girl who they assume is stuck up, ditzy, and kind of stupid. I get extremely nervous around people and do and say dumb things. That's always going to be a part of me as far as I'm concerned. I just wish everyone would stop judging me and accept the real me for once. I feel like I'm better off keeping my mouth closed. I think even some of my closest friends don't want to talk to me. Who knows. Am I boring? Annoying? Second, I feel that the very creative spirit that helped shaped the ideals I carry now, no longer lingers in me. I feel like my spirit is dead and all I have is a body to assist me in making it through the day to day. I'm like a zombie, just wandering about and trying to find someone or something to soothe my hunger. But what is it worth? I will never be satisfied. I'll just keep taking and adding to the filth I'm against. I think the main thing that keeps me going is my brother. I love him too much to just leave him here alone. I wouldn't want to cause him anymore pain than what he's already experienced. I guess I just miss the old days when waking up didn't seem so strenuous and living didn't seem so overrated. I've always been a loner, I guess one year made it seem like that was a falsehood. But it's who I am. I'm better off keeping to myself and reading books all day. Friendships shouldn't define my happiness but I'm only human and humans are naturally social beings. Just look at the way it affects me to not to have healthy and fun relationships. I just wish someone could sit down and talk to me and relate to me for once. It seems like no one really knows what I'm going through. They can claim so but then they exemplify otherwise. The one person outside my brother who understood that was Fabian and I let him go. Now I have to sit here with regret and watch as he progresses with his new life with his new girlfriend and alleged fiance. It drives me crazy but I only have myself to blame. I had someone who loved me more than life itself and I threw him away for a stupid drug induced fling. I'm an idiot and I'm sure he knows it and is laughing. I'm pretty sure that's what I want too. I want love. But I end up screwing up all the relationships I have because I'm stuck on one guy who is completely unattainable. I'm done for the day, this journal is forever filled with complaints! Now I'm going to get ready to drown my sorrows tonight in a bottle of vodka and midori....|
Hey, i'll never get sick of you.
I enjoy spending time with you.
I WANT TO, really.
please believe it.
Come on...i have tons of memories with you, all good times.
Psh, and i don't think we should stop making them.
I miss you, hit me up?
And stop all this...
I have always found you interesting and an amazing person.
Have i stopped talking to you?
I maybe be busy with my job and other stuff.
But i'm trying...i miss hangingout alot.
ALOT, heh...so yeah.
I dunno what else to tell you.
I love you, and keep your head up babe.
You got a good one on your shoulders.