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(no subject) [May. 30th, 2006|08:31 am]
Yesterday was a pretty cool day considering I went to work. I talked to Summer for about an hour and a half straight. I found out I have a couple of things in common with Amber and Summer which was nice because I honestly thought I couldn't relate to most of the people there. Then we were talking to this new guy Chas, he's cool. We exchanged numbers which was a little wierd because I havn't had any guys ask me for my number in a long time.

I've been hanging out with Saichon alot. She's having a hard time with Jeremy, that fucking asshole. I don't know, I feel like there's nothing I can say that will better the situation, I just hope she doesn't resort to anything ridiculous and end up losing the baby. I'm two sided on whether she should get an abortion but whatever she does I'll support her. I wonder how that thing is going to look if she does infact have it. We say I'm going to be the daddy, which is crazy because I fucking LOATH kids! For some reason, I think I'm really going to like this one. It's strange, because in a way I feel that it's mine...I mean obviously not but Sai and I are so close, it's like it's my niece or nephew. I don't know, I guess you could say I'm excited for it's birth. GAY!

Today I kind of wanted to kick back, but Robert called me and told me he wanted to have a "band meeting". I don't know what that's all about but I have to fucking take the bus to Sunnyside Park...I'm not in the mood. We'll see how that goes, I hope I don't get bored.

Besides that I believe Syl, Rafa, and I are going to go see the Da Vinci Code sometime soon. I hope, I want to see Rafa! Dang I'm hungry. BTW I spent my entire three-hundred dollar check on alcohol! I'm pissed. I went to the bank two days ago, it told me I had $49.55 in my account, but I spend 40 so now I'm down to $9.55..good times. I need to start saving up though. We need a fucking car. Other than that I'm going to call Fabian today and see what's going on. I don't know if I still have feelings for him, which is sad because a month ago I couldn't get enough. I think the month we had apart made me realize that I didn't need him to be happy. Sad to say, but it's true. We'll see what happens though.
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(no subject) [May. 24th, 2006|10:15 am]
[mood |confusedconfused]
[music |Lunachicks- "Less teeth and more tits"]

So Aulee's back in my life and I'm starting to really like him again. I don't know if it's worth breaking up with my boyfriend though. I mean I know I'm upset but I don't want to do things out of impulse. I also don't know if I can really trust Aulee. I mean he seems to have changed so much, besides the whole partying deal and I honestly really want to give it another shot. He's told me some things that I thought I would never hear from his mouth and I do believe him, I'm just worried that if I give in, he'll end up cheating on me and I'll end up feeling a ton of regret for breaking it off with Fabian. I'm really confused. I've already kissed Aulee while I was with Fabian and I feel so dirty and guilty. I feel like a damn slut. Yes, I'm only 17 and I know there's plenty of time for all this bullshit but I'm afraid I'm not going to find anyone as good as Fabian, that and I just don't want to hurt him. He's been through so much this past year. I don't want to add to his pile. But I just feel like I don't make him happy. I feel like I'm here whenever he wants or needs me but when I need him or I want him he doesn't have time for me. I don't know, I don't think that's fair. It's not about one person. I hate being used and that's exactly what I think he's doing. I need to tell him how I feel but like I said I don't want to make him mad...or make him sad and I'm afraid I'll do just that if I do. WHAT DO I DO?

Ah...besides that, I'm supposed to see Aj tomorrow; it's his birthday. He wants to party of course so we'll see what happens. I don't trust him completely so I'm going to ask Aulee and Monique if they want to come.

I still need to turn in my scholarship application for pima. I'm striving for an A this time. Math 086, I got a B. SUCKS WIENER! I just thought I could do better, but hey at least I passed! The school said I can graduate in December so I'm going to work my ass off. I think it'd be kind of cool to graduate early, even if it's only by a couple of months.

I talked to Josh the other night. I miss him so much. I'm ready to fucking walk to his house. But that would be insanity....yes.

I need a drink.
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(no subject) [May. 19th, 2006|08:47 am]
Lately I've been wanting to get back into the groove of writing. I've been having this miserable writers block though. I was looking over poetry I wrote in treatment and I don't know if I'll ever be able to match it. I'm being a bit pessimisstic but damn I just feel like I've lost every fucking creative cell in my brain. I guess I'll just have to dive deeper into me to find it.

I watched Requiem for a Dream yesterday. I think that's like the billionth time I've seem that damn movie. Yet for some reason it hit me really hard and now I'm on this trip that I'm starting to turn into something I just left. If that makes sense? Anywho, I guess I'm basically trying to say that I need to get back on track and focused for senior year.

I'm still with Fabian. I don't really understand why. I mean I believe what he tells me but then I don't. Like I've said the people here are full of drama and just looking to fuck up a good relationship and someone could have said that to fuck with me, but it's hard to cancel out the possiblity that there is validity to these comments. That and I think I may just be getting bored. Don't get me wrong, I love him a lot but sometimes I think I don't want a serious relationship. But I guess this is also just the part of me that's yearning so bad for the past. I remember there was a time when I could give a shit less about hurting people, especially my boyfriends and now I'm a sucker like everyone else. I miss the fun, adventurous Serena and she's not coming back...at least not to the same degree. Maybe I just need to get out more...at least with a bigger range of people instead of making myself exclusive with like two fucking people. I don't know, I'll figure it out eventually.

Then I was thinking, maybe I'm not bored, but maybe I've turned into a full blown lesbian. Kind of crazy yes I know, but lately girls are the only fucking thing on my mind. Thing is I don't want to act out on my wants and end up fucking up everything with Fabian. What if I'm wrong about all of this and destroy everything we've gained together. I sound so fucking sappy. But ya....
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(no subject) [May. 18th, 2006|02:22 pm]
I am having a great day so far! Didn't go to school and I called in for work. I talked to Syl for a little bit and we're going to go celebrate Sai's baby. Sounds good to me. Last night I went all crazy and decided to schazz up my look. I cut my hair...I have Betty Bangs now. Good times...they're a little wierd right now, I have get used to having these bad boys in my face though. My cousin Vicky and I attempted to do some of it purple. It wouldn't take. I was a little sad but hey as long as it's not brown I don't care. Besides that Fabian and I are in a SHIT HOLE. I found out some details so I have to question him about some things that happened in the past. If all comes out like I'm expecting it too..I'll be single in the next week. We'll see how that goes, hopefully I don't get all crazy and do something retarded because of him.

I talked to Michael the other day...through text blah! It felt good to chat but shit is never going to be the same. I think that's my problem I'm still stuck in the past. I want things to be the way they used to be and they never will be. I have to give up on all this false hope. I want to get drunk though! I'm in need of some mellowness. Jeremy says I'm growing "beer balls" lol. I'm starting to become a very angry person. WHOAAA! well yeah, that's all I got for now.
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(no subject) [Apr. 20th, 2006|12:21 pm]
First off, Yaqui's are full of drama and pure shadiness. I don't mean to generalize all of my people but fuck I havn't seen anything but! I can't even trust my own family anymore. It makes me sick. Cuaresma just ended and now everyone knows Fabian and I are together. Which wouldn't be a problem if these Yaqui girls weren't such jealous and devious bitches. I feel stupid for saying this but for the first time I'm actually willing to fight over my boyfriend. The people I thought were decent ended up being lowered back down to my all too true expectations. I know one person for sure is getting all wet over MY boyfriend and trying get him to fuck up on me. All I have to say is: NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

On the lighter side of things, the Kittie concert is tomorrow evening! It's my boyfriend's first concert so I hope he loves it! I'm looking foward to it,I'm just really hoping that they play stuff off Oracle because I am completely oblivious to the albums following it. I hope everyone has fun...

Right now I probably sound like a bitch but that's only because I'm surrounded by the people who don't have anything better to do with their time than to fuck things up for me. FUCK YOU ALL!

It looks like I'm going to have an eventful summer. I believe I'm going to Slayer and Ozzfest. I have Robert and Michael to thank for that! But right now I have to stop writing before Mr.Vega gets all angry...damn.
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(no subject) [Mar. 31st, 2006|01:25 pm]
Where was your soul born?[pics + detailed answeres]
Your soul was born in the Shadows.Your soul was born in the shadows of the moon at night. You're all mystery and enigma and your element is the Moon. No one really knows who you are, but they might think they know you. You only tell people fragments of who you are and never show your true personality. That doesn't have to mean that youre being someone you're not though. You're always yourself and you never do something just because someone else does. Some might think you're a little cold or dull, but you're just hiding your true self for some reason. Maybe only a couple of selected people have ever seen the true you. You are loyal to these people and it will take time if anyone else wants to gain your trust. You let people think that they know you and that you trust them. But sooner or later they will realize that they never really knew you. Be careful. Someday you might need someone who knows what you need. Trust people. You prefer silence and tranquillity. You're calm and collected and a nice person most of the time.
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(no subject) [Mar. 24th, 2006|01:16 pm]
I had no idea Jada Pinket was in a "metal" band. lol what the hell? I wanna hear it...but this computer at school is retarded. I don't know what to think though, I mean from what I've read the band opened up for a brittany spears concert. I mean ya take what you can get but shit! I can only imagine how hardcore the teenyboppers think they are now.

Death Cab's on Monday...I CAN'T WAIT! just hope I don't have to work...like it matters ha.

Life's been treating me good...I went out with Fabian on Wednesday. We went to funtastiks lol. It was fun...we raced on the go-carts. Then we went to eat at TGI Fridays....it was good! It was kind of embarassing though because I finished all my food before him....fat girl at heart :D

Today's my first day back to work in three days...I hope it goes okay. I'm tired too...I went out last night to go see Michael, Robert, and Octavio. It was fun...we just messed around on the instruments...they were teaching me "For Whom the Bell Tolls". But ya other than that my life really isn't all that intriguing.

Chris is coming with me to Kittie as well. I keep recruiting people...hehe I have like 8 tickets I have to buy but I don't care...it makes me feel cool...not really. But hopefully everyone can come!
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(no subject) [Mar. 20th, 2006|08:36 am]
I feel drained....work is getting overwhelming. I don't know, I think everyone there thinks I'm like this wierd loner killer thing who love jesus. But I mean I don't know what to talk to them about..so I don't say anything at all. Does that really warrant social outcast? Ya probably...I come off as a bitch at times...but not always intentionally! I don't know lately I feel like I'm obliged to have a conversation with people, like the other day Amanda was like "so Serena what do you want to talk about?" I'm like what are you my shrink? But hey what are you going to do?

On the upside, I talked to Robert yesterday. I'm supposed to go see him and Michael on Thursday...I really want to see them! We're planning on going to Kittie, so I'm going to buy tickets and go crazy. I convinced Fabian to come with me too...so this is going to be his first concert. I don't think he's too excited to come though lol. I miss Josh though. I never see him anymore..he's always busy with work or something of the other. DAMN YOU JOSH! I don't know I miss all my friends...but everyone's always busy...ALWAYS! Maybe I'll take up Cynthia's offer and quit old navy to share her bed hehe.

Other than that...I'm going to go see Death Cab for Cutie next Monday with Vicky! YAY! It's gonna be fun....and ya.
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(no subject) [Mar. 9th, 2006|12:29 pm]
I don't know what to write in here. Lately, I've just been working and going to school. My finals are next week, but I'm nowhere near completing the rest of my submissions for geometry. That shit just doesn't make sense to me. Math isn't my specialty. Of course that makes me mad, because I'm used to understanding things faster than everyone else and being labeled as advanced. I don't know it just bothers me. I mean I know I can't be good at everything, but I have to be better than the kids in my class. I guess that's the only thing that gives me self esteem. But lately, my brain is in a whole nother realm. I mean I think about it and I want to cry because I've realized how stupid I've become. I don't know, it's like a part of me died. I've lost my creativity so I feel so boring.

But everything isn't terrible. I got two emails from people I didn't expect to ever talk to again...or more like people I expected didn't want to talk to me. I think I want to talk to Steven about some of the things I did to him when we went out though. I feel like I need to apologize...Then Alexis emailed me and I was (least to say) overjoyed! I havn't seen her in years (literally). I'm looking foward to tomorrow...it's Syl's birthday!!!!!!! I wish I could stay to hang out but I have to work. It's going to be a busy month. Cuaresma is starting and I'm going to be at church...I'm just glad I'm not actually in the ceremonies. I know I couldn't take it.

Aside from that I'm supposed to see Fabian today for the first time in a long time. I've become so dependent on him, it makes me sick. I miss him though, and I hate that because I usually don't miss guys. Ya but who hasn't heard this before?? Just hoping he doesn't stand me up today. I hate getting my hopes up. I mean I honestly do believe that if you don't expect anything you can't be let down, problem is I don't follow it in my day to day. In that sense, I think I need to work on just living by my beliefs. Maybe I wouldn't be so disappointed at the end of the day with myself. It's easier said than done though. I'm influenced too easily. How sad...gonna be 17 in 5 days...and I'm still majorly confused about who I am. Wow one more year till I'm 18....how scary.

Well I miss hanging out with everybody too. So Josh, Cynthia, Syl, Lex, and Tess lets get together already! I'm sure we can all afford to put our lifes on hold for a second to have a day like old times. Speaking of friends...where the hell is Rafa?? Ixora...lol. I miss you Rafa!!!
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The Cure's NOT coming. [Feb. 13th, 2006|09:16 am]
[mood |depresseddepressed]

I'm flipping out. I found out the Cure is only playing one show for the summer...on April 1st in fucking London. That shit sucks...I was really looking foward to seeing them.
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